In Conversation: Why Narcissistic Tendencies Don't Make You a Bad Person

A discussion with Well+good


How can people who aren't diagnosed narcissists have real, diagnosable narcissistic tendencies?

Imagine for a minute that there is a Self Importance spectrum. At the far left, there are conditions marked by extreme lack of self importance. At the far right, there are conditions characterized by extreme inflation of self importance. And smack dab in the middle is a healthy, balanced sense of self worth. 

The entire right side of the spectrum describes degrees of narcissism, from healthy, adaptive narcissism (aka, a sense of self worth) to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and everything in between.

Many people fall somewhere on the right of the spectrum, with very real narcissistic tendencies, they're not so far along that spectrum that they meet the criteria for a Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnosis.

Does having narcissistic tendencies automatically make you a bad person? It seems there is often a conflation of narcissism with being morally "bad." 

Narcissism has nothing to do with "badness" or a lack of morality; it has to do with emotional wounds.

Narcissism is rooted in a particular developmental stage, when children’s minds are working through questions of self worth. If a child feels humiliated, devalued or defective, they leave this developmental stage with the belief they are worthless. They are unable to develop a healthy sense of self worth that would allow them to exist happily in the middle of the Self Importance spectrum, and instead they are pushed towards one end or the other. 

While the symptoms and behaviours of this wounded sense of self will be different depending on whether the person ends up on the left or the right on the spectrum, the underlying issue is the same. One person suffers the weight of their perceived worthlessness and may struggle with self degradation and depression, while another copes by attempting to hide their worthlessness through self aggrandizement and devaluing.

There's no moral high ground here, just different ways of coping with an incredibly painful wound.