Why Self compassion is a non-negotiable
Key points:
This is the blog version of my video Why Self Compassion Is a Non-Negotiable: Part 2. If you’re more of a tl;dr kind of person, you may prefer the video.
There are 2 practices (described here) that have been shown to be effective in rehabilitating the Care circuit.
The Conversation
This is the second video in a two part series on self criticism and compassion. If you haven’t watched the first on, stop. Go back. Watch it. Because the neurology will blow your mind and that will make you more likely to do it and that will make it more effective
So, last video, I had just finished my impassioned speech on the neurology and the science behind self criticism and self compassion, which had my client fully aboard the self compassion train with an enthusiastic “fine… how?”
The How
And I say, “brain physiotherapy.” We’re going to do it the same way we’d rehabilitate any other muscle that had atrophied. We’re going to exercise it. Every. Single. Day.
I give my clients two exercises to work the Care circuit. They can pick their favourite (or their least hated), but they have to do one to every single day.
The first is a 3 step practice developed by Kristin Neff, who has done an incredibly amount of research into self compassion and this practice is the practical application of all of her research findings. I’m going to go through the basics of it here, and I will leave a link in the description box to a guided version of this practice that I give to clients.
The first step is to recognize what’s going on. You could do this right now - think of something in your life that’s causing you some distress. Then see if you can recognize the flavour of that distress. Maybe it’s a sense of stress or worry. Maybe it’s a sense of fear or inadequacy or loneliness. Just recognize the experience as a flavour of suffering.
The second step is to connect to the humanity of this experience. To remember that experiences like this are part of being human. Pain and uncertainty in all their different flavours and shades are unavoidable parts of life. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling this way, and you’re certainly not alone in feeling it. I sometimes remind myself that if even 1% of the world population is feeling this way, is having this same human experience, that’s 79 million people feeling the same way I am. See if you can feel your connectedness, to others and to your own humanity, in that.
The third step is to bring in some kindness using physical touch. By nature of being mammals, our nervous system responds to touch. So put a hand on you chest, on your stomach or your forehead or your cheek, and just feel into that touch. For 5 breaths, just feel into the contact. You might even imagine what that touch would say if it could speak in words. For 5 breaths, just letting your hand speak to your nervous system.
And voila, you’re done. You’ve exercised your Care circuit for the day.
The second practice comes from a Buddhist meditation practice called Metta meditation. This is an incredibly rich practice with a huge lineage. What I’m about to offer is the tip of the Metta iceberg, there is so much more you could explore with this practice. That said, the tip of the iceberg has been studied and shown that practicing this way for just 5 minutes a day has profound impacts on our Care circuit.
So the practice goes like this. You pick some phrases that are an expression of goodwill. I think of the phrases like the intentions of the Care circuit. I’m going to use the phrases that are traditionally used in this practice, but you can modify them or come up with your own. They just need to be an expression of warmth or care. You’re going to repeat those phrases, like a mantra, and direct them towards yourself.
The phrases are: “May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I live with ease.”
So bring to mind an image or a thought of yourself. Your whole self, your favourite part of yourself or your least hated part of yourself, whatever is easiest. And say those words. “May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I live with ease.” And keep repeating them.
And as you say them, imagine channeling the intention behind those words, that intention of goodwill, the energy of your Care circuit and sending it towards yourself. You can say the words, you can visualize it, imagine or just pretend. It makes no difference, it’s still flexing that muscle.
The physio prescription for this is to repeat the phrases for 3-5 minutes. And it is ok if they feel hollow and empty, if there’s no emotion or parts of you want to gag. It’s still working out the Care circuit.
My Experience
One of the reasons I’m take such a hard line on self compassion is because I know how transformative it was in my own healing journey. I knew about the research and the neurology before that, but experience is a hell of a teacher and I will never forget the moment where, after several months of self compassion practice - because my teacher was even more of a hard ass on this than I am and refused to do anything else with me other than self compassion for months - and I made a mistake and something inside said “oh well, we’ll get it right next time.” And I like “what the hell, who the f* said that?!” Because that was not the inner voice I was used to.
But I rehabilitated my Care circuit. And you can too.
Self compassion is a requirement of healing.
So, that’s why self compassion is a non-negotiable in my practice.
